could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
