you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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