Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
