She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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