Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
