just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
