don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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