Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
