Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
