my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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