apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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