My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
