I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Randomize
