grandma shit on top of the toilet
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
