I'm pants shitting drunk right now
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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