I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
The best revenge is premature balding
Operation Purity has been aborted
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Randomize
