I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
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