ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
