I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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