life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
