I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
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