i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
