Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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