I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
