I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
