Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
