He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Sext me about skeletons
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
