That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
