I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Randomize
