I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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