i was born a porn star she said
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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