It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
