decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
