vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
