i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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