I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
