I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Randomize
