yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
