Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Randomize
