My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
