4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
