totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Randomize