He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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