The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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