I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
