the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
