its not stalking. its research.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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