last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
