dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
