he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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