Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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