My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
