Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
