i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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