My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
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