Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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