I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
