i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize