what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
