I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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