Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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