Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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