census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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