Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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