Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
