whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
