I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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