so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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