If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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