Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
