New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Randomize