what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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