Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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