So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
