he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
