At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
from now on my penis is your penis
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
