No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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