I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
